


idolizing the light in your eyes

by emmalauren



Series: drabbles/fluff/prompts [6]
Category: Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV), One Chicago Universe
Genre: F/M, but they're still friends?, jay and natalie are still good friends and you can still pry this from my cold dead body, manstead is super minor, so this is totally canon divergent??, the only chicago eps i have watched since last season are infection???, torrey and jesse broke up and i'm really sad so i wrote this, whoops???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 09:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21159503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmalauren/pseuds/emmalauren
Summary: Jay Halstead and Natalie Manning have drifted apart. But can the destruction of their city bring them together?





	idolizing the light in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> So, Torrey and Jesse broke up. And I'm sad. I haven't watched any Chicago eps aside from the Infection movie thing, so this is completely canon divergent. I started writing this almost a year ago, and finished it in like an hour today. Might write another soon about Jay exposing Phillip, because he's such an ass!!!!!!!! Otherwise, I really don't know what's going on in the One Chicago verse. Enjoy!!!

It was hard as ever to open her eyes in the morning, stare at the blank ceiling above her. It was the same as when Jeff had died - the pain had come almost unbearable, and people had said it would be easier with each day. When it wasn’t, they blamed her swollen belly, rubbing affectionate hands across her overstretched skin. The only person who hadn’t made empty promises was Will, asking her each day how are you breathing? is it getting easier?. And surprisingly, eventually, months later, she replied with yes. She had prayed she would never feel that pain again, never know the pain of losing the people she loved again. It had shown up in shadows of doubt, in moments of chaos, like the mass shooting when she hadn’t known where Owen was. Will was less of a worry for her, aside from the brief moments like the tick paralysis. He had plenty of reasons to live - reasons that expanded beyond her, and them, and the small world they built under the covers and behind closed doors - and he was grown, capable of handling himself and much beyond that. But it had been two months, and breathing still felt like trying to break open a box that had been chained and rusted shut.

There was more to her life than Will, however, and Owen woke soon after Natalie, forcing her out of bed and into motion, bundling Owen into his coat, packing her stuff into the car and dropping him off at daycare before embarking on her long shift, forcing her breathing into rhythmic patterns before she stepped in the glass doors of the E.D. Before Maggie could even open her mouth to begin to tell Natalie what was going on, her vision shuttered, thoughts collapsing like a house of cards. Jay Halstead leaned against the desk in the center of the room, fixing ocean eyes on her. Her stomach heaved with nausea, sand rolling through her body, dry and deserted in one moment. Even seeing him forced her back into her mind.

_She had sat on the steps for a long time after that, so stunned that she had barely made a sound. There had been another exit to the church, and the guests had all shuttled out that way, even Dr. Charles, who had advised Maggie to keep watch over Natalie, even if his knowledge of the situation was fractured and incomplete. When Maggie had finally come out to tell her what had happened, Natalie had simply stood and followed Maggie into her car. Will’s had been decorated in what Jay had assured them was typical “Irish fashion”, and sat, abandoned, by the church, shadowed by Chicago streetlights. She had been silent all the way home despite Maggie’s constant stream of conversation. It wasn’t until she was back at her house, empty as her mother had taken Owen for the night, that she broke down. She ripped at the wedding dress, blood still staining the white fabric, choking beneath the layers of tulle. Maggie had attempted to undo the careful buttoning but eventually giving up, she had grabbed a knife from Natalie’s kitchen and slashed at the seam, letting the dress fall to ribbons around her. The light slip underneath betrayed Natalie’s breathing, coming rapidly and making her dash for the bathroom, heaving bile into the toilet basin. Maggie had eventually managed to haul her into the shower and turn it on cold, bringing Natalie out of her panic and into a stupor. She had slept for three days after that. Maggie had stayed the entire time, only switching out with April, Connor, or Ethan when absolutely necessary. April had told her that Jay had tried to come by once, but April had slammed the door in his face as soon as she opened it._

She had expected her knees to go weak, for her body to shut-down, for flight or fight to kick in. Instead, she simply turned and walked into the private room in the corner, forgotten and reserved only for the hardest of conversations. Jay followed, facing her with a face she recognized immediately as pure Halstead conviction.

“Where is he, Jay? I want to see Will. Where is he?” She was almost surprised when her voice didn’t shake. She had never run hot or cold - she had simply been, dealing with each moment and emotion differently. Recently, however, her eyes would have filled with tears, wet anger taking over as her emotions, charged beyond full capacity, took control. But it had been weeks without an answer, without even a phone call. The furthest explanation she had gotten was from an FBI agent who had sworn Will had been doing “service to his country”. Natalie, in the calmest voice she had, reserved only for the most panicked of patients, had explained that if Will wanted to do service for his country, he would have signed up for the Rangers with his brother. Since he hadn’t, the FBI could fuck off.

Jay was different. He and Natalie had known each other for years - Natalie had pulled a bullet out of him on more than one occasion, and he had saved her ass more times than she could count. They didn’t owe each other - they were more than even - but they were friends. They had been close for a time, but both Will and Jay had become secretive in the past months. Close was a thing of the past for both the Halstead brothers.

“Look, Nat. You know I can’t tell you. That’s the way protective custody works.” His voice was apologetic, cautious, even. It was a tone Nat had heard too often. Had it been anyone else, she would have slapped them straight across the face. She had known Jay for too long to do anything of the sort. Instead, she stepped closer, close enough so that she could see the freckles on his nose and stared into his eyes.

“Jay. Where’s Will?”

Two more weeks passed with nothing more than rueful glances from Jay across the ED when he came into to investigate cases. He had asked if he could do anything for her, after admitting that he had no idea where Will was. Natalie had declined. The only thing she wanted was space and time. It wasn’t until a quiet Thursday morning that Maggie pointed her into a trauma room with the curtain drawn closed tightly.

“Patient wants a private exam. They requested you.” It had been a particularly hard night - Owen had the flu and hadn’t slept, and she had missed a blocked phone call at one a.m. that raised Nat’s hackles. As usual, she had brushed it aside for her shift, tried to force it to the back of her mind, but for some reason, she couldn’t quite escape it. It loomed over her as she crossed the ED, sliding the glass door open and closing it behind her before pulling open the curtain just enough for her to step through. She rubbed hand sanitizer across her hands for the umpteenth time in her shift before turning to face her patient and freezing where she stood. The patient, although facing away from her, was unmistakable. Red hair curled at the nape of his neck, broad shoulders stretching the material of a green shirt.

“Will?” Natalie whispered. She was afraid that if she spoke any louder, her voice would break. She wouldn’t let him see her cry again. Not without an explanation.

His bruises had healed over, only a faint silvery scar on his temple to show any evidence of their wedding night. He stood slowly, moving towards her with deliberate movements as if trying not to startle her.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, grabbing onto his forearms if only to ground herself and keep him there for just a moment longer. “Does Jay know? Does he?” It was if Natalie’s brain had been transformed into a snowglobe - thoughts flurrying around too fast for her to grab onto any one of them.

“No. Not yet. I wanted to come to see you - as soon as they said that it was safe for me to come back, I thought I should tell you. I’m fine, Natalie. I’m fine, really.” It was like flipping a switch, turning off all of Natalie’s thoughts of relief and tuning out the tension seeping out of her body. Instead, all she remembered were the past three months - the pain, the anger, the darkness she had been left to wallow in while Jay and Maggie, and every single person who was supposed to be there for her shut off the lights and left her in the dark. It was sharp, undeniable pain, and it focused as Natalie looked her fiance up and down, checking for damages before she caused her own. His eyes were darker, and he seemed tired, but it was the gun holstered on his hip that Natalie zeroed in on.

“No. I can’t do this. I have had no answers from anyone for the past three months, and you just show up, unannounced, with a gun on your hip and expect me to be okay with the fact that you lied to me, left me without answers on our wedding day, show up covered in blood, and then leave me, again, without answers? Not to mention the fact that Owen had to watch me cry, Will, and try to explain to him why the only person he has ever known as a father had gone. Jay didn’t know where you were, Will, but at least he knew why you were gone. And I get it, Will. I get that it was hard, and you were tricked, and you went through a traumatic event, but so did I! You knew I was already in pain, and you caused me more. That, Will, is unforgivable.” She pushed out the exam room without looking back, breath coming faster and faster. She had no jacket and it was February in Chicago, but she couldn’t stay in the ED, becoming smaller as she stood frozen. Instead, she ran towards the doors, barely hearing the calls from behind her - familiar voices distorted through walls of pain. She barely made it to the garbage can before she heaved her lunch into it, stumbling backward into a solid chest. She swiveled, mind going a million miles a minute to stare into ocean eyes, Jay Halstead steadying her.

“Nat? What’s going on?” He asked.

“Ask your brother.”

Natalie didn’t drink - she had, but not anymore. She didn’t have time to go out, she had a toddler, and drinking didn’t solve problems, it caused them. It was a risky philosophy to have when joining the Halstead clan, but it was one in which she had a firm belief. Maybe it was that philosophy that made Molly’s the last place Jay looked for her. It was four in the afternoon - happy hour for some people, but pathetic for most others. It was the first thing she said to the younger Halstead as he walked in the door, her words slightly slurred and balance off.

“Pathetic. I’m pathetic.” Jay glanced at Herrmann across the counter and signaled for a coffee, the firefighter shooting a concerned glance and raising the tray in his hands slightly higher so that Jay could see the eight empty shot glasses.

“No, Nat. You went through some big changes, and you’re trying to cope. You’re a good person. That’s what good people do. But drinking your way through Molly’s tequila won’t do you any good. Talking, that might.”

“Says you.”

“He’s sorry, Nat. He really is.”

“Not sorry enough to stay. Not sorry enough to not continuously hurt me, Jay. I deserve better than what he did to me. And don’t even start to believe that you are blameless. You are the one who hooked him in with the FBI, and you better bet that Voight isn’t going to let this go that easily. Whoever Will was chasing is still out there - you can’t justify that gun to me any other way. There’s something else, Jay, something you’re not telling me.” Despite the copious tequila, her words and meaning were clear, anger biting through the calm facade.

“It’s complicated, Nat. He went through a traumatic event. The way our family deals with that is violence and defense. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m not trying to justify it, I’m just trying to show you this isn’t coming out of left field.”

“And that’s exactly it. I have nothing but love for Will, but I cannot marry a man I do not recognize with a gun on his hip if the people who know both of us believe that this might have been coming all along.” Nat stood, grabbing the last shot of tequila from in front of her and downing it one go, wiping her lips with her thumb as she turned to leave. “Tell him I’m sorry, Jay. But this isn’t about him anymore.” Natalie paused for a moment, stretching slightly to kiss Jay on the cheek before walking out the door.

They didn’t talk much after that - Will and Natalie were friendly at best, but tension crackled between the two of them every time they entered the same room. No one was supposed to take sides - in fact, most didn’t - but considering Burgess and Upton did, going out with Natalie every other Friday when they didn’t have a big case, Jay felt an obligation to be on Will’s side, especially in the light of Connor’s sudden departure from Med. He felt a strange wistfulness every time he and Natalie crossed paths, guilt that welled up from within his stomach, a heartbreaking ache at a lost friendship. She did what every other doctor did when he needed help with a case, and called Upton or Burgess when she needed a cop for a case. It didn’t hurt, but it was strange.

But then the Infection hit. It had been a moment of blissful peace - Kelly at the barbecue, Burgess, Upton, and Nat sunning themselves in the lawn chairs, Upwater’s cheerful frustration in the background, and the simple back and forth of the football with Casey. And then the first guy hit the floor. It all exploded into confused chaos from the second Nat revealed the wound. Somehow, it didn’t stop until days later, with Jay sitting on a hospital bed, stuck somewhere in-between fine and completely, irreparably broken.

Natalie had been put on Jay’s case - it was a simple job of administering the antibiotic for the infection, in case even a drop of it had gotten in the cut, and sewing him up before sending him out the door for a well-deserved beer and good night’s sleep. It should have been Will’s job, but he was in another exam room, being checked out by Ethan for the nasty cut and potential concussion. It was the first time they were going to be in a room together for months, and while Jay and Natalie had never really fought, they had been friends. They weren’t anymore. Not really.

Jay winced slightly, feeling the tug of the string on his arm before another sharp stab of the needle. He hadn’t allowed Nat to apply on even the lightest layer of local anesthesia, citing the fact that he kind of needed his right arm to do his job, even if she swore up and down it would wear off in about 5 hours.

“You learned something from all those hockey games.” It was so quiet, spoken without Nat even moving her eyes from the needle and Jay’s arm that he almost missed it at first. It was almost the first time they had spoken outside of work in months. “Almost no nerve damage, and it’s clean. Not that you don’t have them, but you’ll barely have a scar when I take the stitches out. In a few months, there won’t be any evidence of this day.”

“Only because you got so mad whenever we talked about how in movies they cut their palms and probably did so much nerve damage they wouldn’t move their fingers again. Kind of need those.” Jay wiggled his fingers, earning a sharp look from Natalie, and then, a laugh. Her shoulders shook slightly, her hair falling in her face before she turned and gave him a smile, finally, at last, melting that in-between feeling and replacing it with something that felt whole. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“Look, Jay, it’s fine, you don’t need to.”

“No, I really do. We were friends, and I shouldn’t have kept you in the dark like that. Will’s my brother, and I forget that there are other people rooting for him as well. Or, there were, at least. I feel like I kinda screwed that up as well, and I am really sorry for that. But mostly, I’m sorry that I’ve sacrificed our friendship because of work and my brother. And that neither of us has seen a hockey game in at least a year. So, I wanted to make a deal. You go with me to hockey games, I buy you a beer, and we leave my brother out of it. I’ll even throw in a movie with Owen once every month.”

“You couldn’t handle a Disney movie every month. But I’ll take you up on it. Thank you, Jay.”

“Friends?”

“Friends.”

And for the first time in a long time, as Natalie finished off his stitches and Jay grabbed his coat, they left the hospital happier than they were when they entered it.

**Author's Note:**

> I want them to have a more healthy relationship! Even though the only times they've interacted so far have been in the Fire episode?? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> as always, find me on tumblr @emma-laurennn with all your thoughts, comments, and ideas!!


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